You Who Be Who’s Who: Direct Mail Blues

Advertising Industry Newswire COLUMN: You are invited! Yes, you! Because you are so very special! So very wonderful! So very important! So very bright and worthy and exciting! And because you will write a check to us! (A brief presentation of a way to make money by publishing biographical listings of people who are legends in their own minds.)

The title of this column does not mean I’m going to be singing scat or bebop. Rest assured, you need not fear that I will break out in an Ella Fitzgerald impression.

Instead, what is going to happen is a commentary on a type of confidence game that eventually shows up in everyone’s mailbox or online in-box. It’s nothing more than an “ego scam,” as one of my clients called it, but it can be very effective and very profitable. (It’s just not going to be profitable for you.)

We are going to examine a scheme that’s as old as time itself. It’s a fake-out that plays on the easily-held belief that each of us is a very special and important person if only someone would notice. It takes advantage of an inner desire to be thought of as exceptional in some magnificent and perhaps indefinable way, just like mom used to tell us.

Because everyone feels a little like this once in a while, it is possible for the unscrupulous to create a dodge or swindle that begins with flattery while absolutely dripping with deceit. And the deception will, of course, encourage you to part with some of your money.

The pitch can be made quite easily by sending you a letter, either using snail mail or e-mail. Let’s try it, shall we?

You Are Invited

Dear Mark Chumpe:

In recognition of your contributions within your community, it is our great pleasure to inform you of an exciting opportunity! Because of the extraordinary nature of your role, you are now under consideration by the prestigious Leadership Archive Memorial Enterprise for possible inclusion in the forthcoming edition of the Federal Archive Keepsake Edition of one of our most highly-respected quarterly publications. There is no cost to participate.

A Select Few of You!

Let us assure you that this great tribute is only offered to a very select few people! In fact, the roster of invitees is expressly limited to the exact number of names in our database, which, in turn, resides in the finite and limited list of people maintained by the United States Postal Service, an officially sanctioned entity of the U.S. Government.

Once acknowledged and accepted by you, the recognition and affiliation with our organization also entitles you to the vaunted Society Collegial Unique Membership (if you are a European resident) or the equally prominent Society Conservatory Altruistic Membership (if you reside in the United States of America). In either case, there is no cost to participate.

Additional Accolades

Naturally, all members, once certified, will also enjoy the privileges and honors that result from our many partnerships and relationships with highly respected societies, which include the Official Historic National Organization as well as the Committee Recognizing Advanced Professionals. Not to be overlooked is this distinction: you will further be promoted and recommended for possible inclusion in the Professionals Honors Edition Workbook. Once again, let us assure you that there is no cost to begin your participation.

Revel in the Honor

In view of your election, the forthcoming edition of the archive will include a professionally written biography of the highlights of your life and it will join the biographies of the world’s most accomplished individuals. This level of recognition is an accolade that is only shared by those executives and professionals throughout the world who have made the decision to join in the inclusion in these hallowed halls. We can truly say that this is one of the single highest marks of achievement.

Upon final confirmation, and with no cost to participate, you will be listed among other gifted personages in the Official Approbation Foundation, a truly notable compliment that cannot be expressed in mere words including the words in this very sentence!

Future Generations

To further ratify and codify your place among the list of those awarded praises in such a manner as are currently being offered to you, the fully bound volume containing your biographical details will be carefully sealed and entrusted to future generations. How is this possible?

By being placed in the keystone of the next new building constructed in the city that holds a rich place in our nation’s history: Vicksburg. Yes, stately Vicksburg, the “Gibraltar of the Confederacy.” There is absolutely no cost to participate. (For those wishing to avoid any association with Mississippi, the Confederacy, or the tortured history of the South, there will be a small fee to refrain from participating in this aspect of the program.)

Other Worlds

To additionally sanction and array your position amidst the honor roll of those being recognized in such a manner as is currently being offered to you, a second copy of a fully bound volume containing your biographical details will be carefully sealed and entrusted to future generations who may not even be of this earth. How is this possible?

By being placed in the next extra-planetary vehicle to be launched by Charter Communications, a highly-known provider of satellite television services. (For those wishing to avoid any association with potential alien life forms, and for those who deny that science and technology have been able to produce orbiting space vehicles, there will be a small fee to refrain from participating in this aspect of the program.)

No Cost to You

While you may have been wondering if there would be any cost associated with these extraordinary acknowledgements, let us assure you there is absolutely no cost to you. Unless, of course, you would like to take advantage of these exciting prospects of moving forward in order to realize all the connections, networking, interaction, camaraderie, affiliation, and relationships included in this opportunity. In that case, the introductory fee of $69.99 is almost too good to be true.

Your Future, Your Decision

It’s entirely up to you, of course, whether to move forward waving a beacon of success that can serve as a rallying cry to others, or to rest on one’s laurels without taking this one small step that can be so influential to one’s peers, distinguished colleagues, and those among the next generation who may even now be wavering in their resolve. Won’t you at least consider making the move toward triumph over adversity and distrust? We believe in you. And we humbly await your reply.

On behalf of Samuel Langhorne Clemens, our highly esteemed Honorary Executive Publisher Emeritus, we wish you continued success!

Sincerely,

Conrad Mann

Regional Executive Director

Regency International Premier Organization, Federal Fiduciary

P.S. If you’ve already received this e-mail from us, please feel free to respond again.

Acronym Inventory

Leadership Archive Memorial Enterprise (LAME)

Federal Archive Keepsake Edition (FAKE)

Society Collegial Unique Membership (SCUM)

Society Conservatory Altruistic Membership (SCAM)

Official Historic National Organization (OH NO)